6 Days
For six days we tentatively allowed ourselves to get excited that we’d maybe be having a baby in November. I had a good feeling about this one. I prayed so hard to have the opportunity to meet and raise this baby, but instead I now have two anonymous angels.
The loss is different. It’s so very early, instead of relatively late like the last one. The physical symptoms were here and then just as quickly they were gone. My body didn’t really change at all this time. And I deeply understood already how possible a loss could be.
The grief is different too. It’s a familiar feeling. A feeling I already knew, that was only briefly interrupted by a serene happiness that helped me forget. I’m in pain physically and emotionally. I’m angry and railing against the unfairness of being struck by lightning twice. I’m so upset that my body won’t do what it’s supposed to do, and I’m worried that our road to a healthy baby will continue to be plagued with losses.
But it’s not as debilitating. We can try again right away, instead of having to wait three months. It was just as easy to get pregnant this time as it was last time. In this place where we’ve suffered painful loss and incredible bad luck, we can at least recognize how fortunate we are to be able to get pregnant.
