Hard To See
There is a lot that has gotten easier for me, but I still can’t stand looking at ultrasound pictures. That’s the only way I ever saw my baby, and what they showed us was something bad. I never got the good one that everyone posts about, announcing to Facebook whether it’s a boy or girl.
I took a negative pregnancy test yesterday—which actually works out fine because it means I can participate in the leadership institute that I worked really hard to apply for, and was one of 30 people to be accepted to—but seeing my friend’s ultrasound picture at the top of my Facebook page today, I just felt bombarded. I wasn’t sad to not be pregnant this time, but I still have sadness and emptiness. I think these strange times of mixed feelings make me feel it most acutely.
Also difficult for me is people who weren’t even trying to get pregnant! And they’re so excited. Totally within their rights, obviously, but it just seems so cavalier. “I didn’t even want this to happen, but oh look, I’m having a baby and isn’t that great!” It’s hard to explain it without sounding like a crank. But I know I’m not alone in feeling like every pregnant woman in the world is flaunting their happiness over their healthy baby, which just leaves those of us who have lost babies in the cold.
Ugh.
