Numb
After Monday, where I cried over and over again, I haven’t really cried since. I’ve gotten choked up a few times and shed a tear yesterday, but that’s about it. Maybe I’m starting to heal. It’s only been 9 days since the D&C. Each day I’m farther away from it. The feeling of constantly being on the edge of crying has been replaced with an odd numbness, like I couldn’t cry if I tried. I’m still thinking really sad thoughts though. Obviously I’m not back to normal. I also feel like my brain isn’t working properly. My memory is gone—I can’t remember what I did last week, or what I was planning to do 5 minutes ago. I can get really focused and passionate about something at work, and then realize it doesn’t matter and I don’t care. My whole life was derailed when I found out I was going to lose my baby; everything else that happens just skims the surface.
I’ve noticed the last couple days that the baby isn’t the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. That gives me hope that the next day I’m off work and Jed isn’t home I’ll be able to get out of bed. But it also makes me sad, like it’s too early to not feel so tortured. I was pregnant for three months, and I’ve been grieving this baby for three weeks and three days. This time last week I hadn’t accepted that my baby was gone. Am I starting to accept it? Am I ready to accept it?
