What Not To Say
In my family and work lives, people have been remarkably compassionate and understanding. Not everyone responds to this kind of thing in the same way, and not everyone feels the need to approach me and directly give me their sympathies. It’s a rough thing that not everyone’s comfortable talking about. I don’t fault anyone for their reaction of lack thereof.
I do fault one coworker for being particularly insensitive, brought on by a typical (for this person) and rather annoying social ineptitude. Annoying Coworker, I didn’t need you to:
Approach me on my first day back and ask me to tell you the whole story.
Tell me all about your early miscarriage. My situation is different.
Tell me how it will all be better when I hold my baby in my arms and count their fingers and toes.
Approach me as I was beginning a shift working with the public and ask me all about my D&C.
You know what, just leave me the hell alone, OK?
Just like every other woman who’s ever lost a baby, I’ve heard this one a bunch, and just like everyone else, am unconsoled by it:
“At least you’re young, you can always have another baby,” or variations thereof.
I can see on your face that you know this isn’t reassuring, so you really don’t need to say it. I realize I’m relatively young and that this won’t be my only chance to have a baby. That does not in any way lessen the pain I’m feeling over losing THIS baby, the one that was supposed to be born in May and be my first baby.
Finally, if you don’t know what to say; whether you can’t identify with the situation, or you’re made uncomfortable by other peoples’ suffering, or your personality is such that somehow your experience of my trauma becomes all about you and you now feel so awkward that you find yourself incapable of selflessly reaching out and offering your sympathy (not that I know anyone in this latter category or anything…): Tell me you don’t know what to say. You’re sorry to hear it. You’re thinking about me. Keep it simple. Or avoid me. I probably won’t notice, because this whole suffering thing is pretty relentlessly distracting.
If you’re in my family, though, avoiding me or my husband because YOU feel uncomfortable isn’t so nice.
