crying, crying and more crying
Yesterday was a little tear-heavy, but really not that unusual in terms of how often I cry these days. Here’s how it went:
I went to the midwife for a follow-up after my D&C. I guess not realizing that this wasn’t a regular prenatal visit, they called me up to have me pee in a cup & ask if anything had changed. Well, I’m not pregnant anymore, I told her. She got really confused and asked if this was my 2-week postpartum visit. I had a D&C, I quietly told her, as the pregnant woman next to me signed in. She apologized, chagrined, and sent me back to the waiting area, surrounded by pregnant women, some with babies in tow. I cried as quietly as I could, embarrassed to be sitting there by myself, trying not to sob.
The nurse called me back and weighed me. Ugh, I gained weight while I was pregnant and apparently even though I’ve had no appetite for the last three weeks, I weigh 2 pounds more than I did a week ago. As soon as I got into the exam room I broke down, and cried for the whole time I talked to my midwife. She gave me a really nice hug.
I cried on the way home, and cried some more after I got home and told Jed what the midwife had said, and we talked about wanting to be parents, and how we actually are now the parents of an angel baby.
A couple hours later I went to work. After a while, a coworker who has been giving me very comforting hugs and hand-squeezes sat down, took my hand, and said: “All the love and hopes that you’ve had, those weren’t wasted. Love is never wasted.” Then she walked away. I cried.
Not long after that, another coworker came and offered me a hug. I told her as we were hugging that I should have warned her that hugs make me cry. We talked for a minute or two through the tears about how I’m coping, how hard it is, how long it takes.
Then I had my regular monthly meeting with my manager, and one of the things we talked about was “how I’m doing.” Of course I cried. She’s a bit of a crier herself, and I think I even caught her chin wobbling.
I don’t think I cried again after that, except for the point where I was talking to yet another coworker about it all and got a little choked up. I spent the rest of the day, especially after leaving work, feeling like I was living a new definition of emotional exhaustion.
