Suspended
I keep catching myself in “preparing for parenthood” mode—bookmarking an article about librarianship and parenthood, making note of the book about treating common childhood illnesses at home, realizing my new shirt will also make a good maternity shirt. Telling a coworker about how we thought we might dress up our 5-month-old as an acorn next year. Falling silent and trying not to start sobbing. I realize that my life isn’t in that place anymore, but my heart hasn’t caught up. I haven’t yet fallen out of the habit of preparing for baby.
I suppose we are still planning on having a baby, being parents. We will still get to do all those things someday. But right now I can’t help but feeling stupid for still—out of habit, before I remember and my heart slams back to the ground—thinking it’s an imminent reality.
